NZ hospitals recalling medical equipment

It’s a nationwide crisis, and we’re pointing the finger at the ones who are so clearly to blame; sick, injured and disabled people. Breakfast’s Matty McLean’s desperate plea for people to urgently return support equipment back to the hospitals really hit us deep in our “injured and ailing” hearts.

As soon as I began to watch this 4-minute, hard-hitting piece of exquisite journalism, I began to imagine what Matty might think we’re doing, hoarding all of this glorious hospital equipment. I’m sure I saw Maggie drag-racing and drifting with our neighbour in her unneeded wheelchair the other week. And we all know that Tane’s been busy creating an epic domino run of crutches in his backyard. He was so distracted he completely forgot to call and update ACC that he is indeed still injured. Those sweet melodic Dave Dobbyn croonings really soothe his 2-hour wait time on hold each week.

Dear Matty might actually be onto something, though. I’m sure my raised toilet would go for at least $50 on the black market (Facebook Marketplace), although is it really worth the anxiety of potentially pissing all over myself? Who knew there was so much financial value to be made in used jar openers, doughnut cushions and sexy plastic reacher sticks? There are clearly some untapped, big-money advantages to be made in scamming the hospital equipment system.

Right now, it’s easier to get a front-row seat at a Taylor Swift concert than loan a wheelchair or other support equipment. Disappointingly those crutches I requested didn’t even come pre-bedazzled with diamantes. They did, however, come in a fabulous box that I was unable to lift myself because I was (ahem) disabled. They’d even been carefully delivered outside my porch and down some stairs that I couldn’t use. No matter, I just got my butler to go pick it up for me “tout suite”.

Or perhaps Matty thinks we’re using our unneeded equipment as trendy decorative interior design pieces? Creating avant-guarde vases out of bedpans and propping all our chaises up with those visually stunning elephant feet. I honestly just can’t recall the last time I used that gorgeous aluminium walking stick for anything other than a decorative hat stand.

As for returning all of this equipment, I don’t even know where to start! Literally though. Where do we start? It took me months to find out where I needed to return the gear I no longer needed last year. Matty’s chosen hospital spokesperson, Andrea Rowe from Allied Health, seems to think that we sick people are just pathologically forgetful, which seems like a health crisis all on its own. And so I pose a question to Andrea; If I don’t need crutches anymore but still can’t walk without my walking stick and am unable to drive a car, how many crutches will mysteriously appear back at the hospital?

Not that I’m proposing a mass market shakedown of the health systems that support us, but these PR call-outs seem to forget that not all disabled people are cruising around in our Hummers waiting for things to do. Some of us have jobs (gasp), or are unable to drive even after we don’t need that precious wheelchair.

Matty may have inadvertently dropped some wisdom when he quipped that Andrea might need to personally pick up all the equipment in her car, though…

If this stuff is worth the millions of dollars claimed, then perhaps setting up a delivery return scheme might actually be the best answer. The hospitals could cover the cost of a driver who comes to your house, collects and returns our piles of coveted gold (or our unneeded medical equipment).

Although what would I do with my precious 6-foot-tall female urinal bottle, LED art installation? The adult nappies on the ground would look so incomplete without it.